Bleach Challenges
by EEevee
Summary: A string of oneshot challenges put together to satisfy my laziness. Range of characters and topics and ratings. Enjoy.
1. Impressions

Title: Impressions

Author: Eeevee

Genre/Rating: General/PG

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

Challenge Fic: "Just Got Paid" by N'Sync. Song #13 of 13.

Summary: Some things in the living world are more interesting than others.

Warnings: Probably fairly OOC, **post-SS Arc** (if you have not read the manga or have already been spoilt then there are spoilers) SPOILERS.

Matsumoto stared in open admiration. She almost reached out to run her fingers across the smooth surface.

"It does not look all that impressive to me."

Turning to her short captain, she wanted to point out that he was just a kid and had no taste. However, she was in a good mood, and being yelled at for teasing him wasn't on her list of things to do today. Maybe later.

"Taichou, is there anything you find impressive?"

He paused, narrowing his green eyes in thought. After a moment he replied, "That machine with the moving characters was impressive. Mayuri should create a facsimile, instead of wasting time on his useless experiments."

"I think Ichigo called it a 'video game.'" She supplemented, still eyeing the beauty before them.

For some reason, all the guys, excluding Yumichika, found that flat little screen fascinating. And when you hooked up the 'video game' box to it… well, it could keep them occupied for hours at a time. Sometimes she just got fed up with all the hooting and threatening and punching and escaped back to Orihime's. The other girl's house was blissfully quiet after listening to the bunch of apes playing some game.

Boys were so competitive.

Then again, she wasn't sure what to say about Yumichika, considering he had decided he liked this game called 'Sims.' She didn't ask about the pink haired baby in the closet with no door.

"Such a thing would be an asset to training." He continued, glancing at her to see if she was paying attention to his opinion. He also pretended not to notice her rolling her eyes. "A simulation can train one's reflexes without injuring the trainee in the process. I am sure the Forth Division would appreciate such a device."

Because everyone knew they just begged for more time in the sewers.

"How considerate of you." He wasn't known to be particularly considerate of new recruits usually. He was probably next in line after the Eleventh Division for sending the newbies in for healing. Of course, part of that was the kids just seemed to be getting younger and dumber, even since she started office. "I am sure Vice-captain Renji would be more than happy to train with you."

"As if he is even a challenge." He sniffed with his arms crossed, which, for some reason, she found irresistibly adorable. He was just so cute… although some of that attitude would have to go. "At least my device is useful."

"Hey, these babies are for transportation. They get you where you want to go!"

"Useless. It is much easier to simply go by rooftop. Roads are restricting and troublesome." He retorted.

She smiled slightly, "But they're faster."

"Too flashy. You would be spotted in an instant."

"You can move objects."

"Which also makes you lazy and weak. You could carry them."

"It's hot and sexy." She smirked at that. He couldn't come up with some practical excuse for that!

Her captain paused, considering, "Unimportant values attached and given meaning by society. Empty prestige."

The smirk grew, "I'll ask you again in a few years." She left off her usual tease, but let it hang between them, implied. He didn't take the bait.

"Doubtful."

Rather than argue the point when she knew she wouldn't change his mind, her captain was stubborn like that, she purred, "I should drive it."

"Perhaps you can use those things on your chest as weapons against some poor male mortal and cohere them into letting you."

Oh, she had been tempted. And she was probably sure there was some repressive, stuffy rule against it too.

"You apparently have to have a special identification card to get authorization from the local law enforcement to operate one." Or at least that was what Ichigo told her when she wanted to borrow the keys for his dad's automobile. She wasn't sure she bought it, but it did make sense that such a power was controlled and tracked. After all, if such things were in the Soul Society, they would most certainly be restricted.

"Oi, what are you two staring at? Shouldn't you be getting to class."

"Matsumoto is bewitched by that… contraption."

Ichigo stared between them, stared in the direction of the pointed finger, and stared back.

"If you're gonna drool over something, at least pick something better than that!" He squawked and Matsumoto was affronted. Was he saying she had no taste? "I mean, c'mon, that's an _old lady_ car!"

She looked over and laughed. He was pointing at a small compact car that was a puce color. It certainly did look like an old lady car.

"I like that one." She pointed to the hulking monster behind it. The Hummer towered over the little car, making it cower in its shadow.

Her captain and Ichigo exchanged, startled -- and dare she say fearful? — looks. Swinging her bag over her shoulder further, she strolled a few paces down the sidewalk and called over her shoulder, "Coming boys? We'll be late if you sit and gape at cars all day."

"She's not getting in one of those. Ever." Ichigo whispered. Her captain nodded in solemn agreement, "I would fear for the other operators on the road. Perhaps your father should allow her to drive his old lady car."

A/N: A quick dabble in Bleach-land. Why I picked those two I have no idea. But can't you just see Matsumoto in a big, black Hummer running over Porches like speed bumps:laughs: She reminds me of Anko from Naruto. Also, credit to Dori for thinking Yumichika would like playing Sims. Just some start-of-the-new-semester dribble that I hope you enjoyed, because I should have been taking notes.

Also, if I make some stupid newbie mistake on any of these drabbles, please feel free to correct me nicely. Thank you. Otherwise I won't get the honorifics and details right, and that annoys me.


	2. Paper Thin

Title: Paper Thin

Author: Eeevee

Genre/Rating: General/PG

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, may Gin and CHC tremble in relief, ha!

Challenge Fic: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from the Wizard of Oz; song #14 out of 18. Rules: from the pov of an underappreciated character. Can't think of any more kicked around than Nemu :twitch:

Summary: Some things shouldn't be studied so closely.

Warnings: None

The black, velvety wings pulsed gently and wavered as a shallow, gentle breath reached and teased them. The tissue thin powder and paper and veins flickered, but the thick body anchored against the threat. Iridescent flecks of blue bordered the rear wings, glistening in the low light.

Nemu's dark eyes studied the creature perched delicately on her finger nail. It was something she had never done before, and she wondered why. Of course she had studied and memorized all the parts of the butterflies before, as was expected of her. She knew all about the excretory system and the breeding habits of the delicate insect by heart.

The little creatures approached her daily, bearing messages of the going-ons of Soul Society, as they did to most of the other vice-captains.

Yet she never noticed the smug of black powder they left when a wing brushed her fingertip or the way they hovered for the merest instant to adjust their landing.

It made her wonder, in a quiet way in the back of her mind, what else she had never noticed before, being so caught up in the science of things. It would be a disturbing thought, if she had the time to dissect it, which she rarely did, and one she appreciated solely for the possibilities.

The world was full of possibilities, not all of them calculable with math and science. She knew such ideas clashed against her teachings and kept them to herself, but she could not help giving a slight, shy smile when Kyouraku-taichou boldly denounced her father's strict interpretations about the beauty of the cherry blossoms, among other things.

Consequently, the two were not particularly fond of one another, but she found Kyouraku-taichou's amiable, appreciative nature a stark contrast to what she was used to.

"I understand." She informed the little creature and it fluttered slightly. As an afterthought, she added, "Thank you."

Feather-light, the proboscis flicked her nail in acknowledgement, before the insect was sky-borne. It circled a few times before settling on the doorframe, fanning in a slow, measured rhythm.

Rising gracefully from the center of a stack of research papers, reference papers, and the general paperwork that went with being in charge, she padded down the dim halls. Her feet whispered along, the only audible noise in the passage. Most of the rooms were sound proof… especially the ones where experiments were conducted.

It only took a few minutes to find him, but he was busy.

She took a step back and waited demurely with her hands cross just below her stomach and her head slightly bowed. She did not want to incur his wrath for placing an inconsistency in his experiment.

Slowly, agonizingly, a clear drop of unassuming liquid dribbled down into a beaker. It sizzled and foamed when it hit the surface of the substance below, much like a kitten with its tail tweaked would.

Gently he replaced the tube and turned halfway to eye her, "What?" His low, gravelly voice was sharp with annoyance and she could imagine that his pupils must be mere slits at the intrusion. She ignored the tone; it failed to bother her. Instead she deepened her bow slightly and relayed, "Your presence is required for a captain's meeting."

There was silence but she did not move. Captain's meetings were one of the things that could put him in a foul temper. He considered them detrimental distractions and completely unnecessary; his superiors begged to differ.

"A waste." His hissed balefully, glancing at his current project. It frothed weakly, giving off a thin stream of mist that dispersed into the air.

"Shall I inform them that you will not be attending?" She inquired mildly. If he declined, it would not be the first time. She, herself, was not so fond of meetings, thinking there were too many people, too many voices, and too many unenlightened opinions aired.

"No, I will go. Who knows what those fools will decide in their ignorance." He muttered in resentment, "Inform them of my compliance then come back and clean this."

She retreated as silently as she had entered.

A flutter of wings greeted her as she returned. She flicked a slender finger out and noted the tickling sensation the tiny, hooked feet elected from the nerves under her epidermis.

She gave the reply, knowing the creature wanted to escape. It was no secret that living animals shied away from the twelfth division's headquarters. Even the lowest of animals simply stayed away… but only the stupid ones went towards the eleventh division's building.

Even now the butterfly was shivering and shuttering uneasily, wanting to go back, and away from the heavy aura of death and suffering and chemicals that saturated the area.

Nemu found herself wondering why she was not doing the same. But she had not been created to wonder, and instead, went to clean up the experiment as she had been commanded. It was easier to fly if you had wings.

A/N: well, that came out… interesting. And I only had to sacrifice two class periods (psychology and math) to write it up. Made for good practice in any case. Enjoy.


	3. Education for the Masses

Title: Education for the Masses

Author: Eeevee

Genre/Rating: General/PG-13 for language

Challenge Fic: "Shake Yer Tailfeathas" by Nelly. Song #15 of 18. Rules: from the pov of an underappreciated character. Poor, poor Keigo.

Warnings: Rambling, stupidity… um, yeah. Also, spoilers for the latest manga chapters. Sort of.

Keigo walked in and set his books down with an irritated thump. It was hard to be cheerful about life where there were two freaky squatters taking up residence in your house. He had thought they were weird enough at school, and said as much to his friends, but he was learning first hand how annoying his new roommates could be.

The two of them were sitting in the kitchen. Ikkaku was slowly polishing his sword with long, even strokes. Somehow he had found a bottle of liquor and it rested by his left hand, half forgotten. His bored eyes flicked to Keigo and then back to his companion, "Eh, Yumi, what're ya doin'? Yer bein' real quiet ova there."

Yumi didn't look up as he did several precise strokes on the paper, "I am composing a stunning essay for my class."

"Uhh…" Ikkaku thought about that for a moment and Keigo felt panic setting in. What essay? He didn't remember any essay being due! "When's that shit due 'gain? Cuz, ya know, I don't haf time fer that sort of crap."

"Yes, that would be a tad too difficult for you. Writing is not a strong point of yours." Yumi replied with a benevolent smile and Keigo cringed as Ikkaku flared up at the insult. "Besides, you could never pick a topic as glorious as the one I have."

"Tch, what's that?"

"Myself of course!" The man beamed brightly, "Is that not grand? The teacher will be so grateful to read it, that she will fall to her knees and pray."

"Sure she will."

Keigo decided he felt sorry for the teacher. This was tangible proof that not everyone should go to college.

"Now, I simply need to find a word worthy of describing me. Not that I would ever find a perfect match, that would be far too difficult, however, there should be at least one that is adequate!"

Keigo mumbled under his breath, "How about vain and narcissistic?" Usually he was an accepting sort of guy, if a bit excitable, but when Yumi spent more time in the bathroom than his sister did… not to mention the god-awful noises coming from his sister's room in the dead of night, the muffled screams… it was all a bit much. Plus, he still had to see them and their circus sideshow friends at school, taking up his precious Ichigo's time.

"This word seems a likely candidate." Yumi held up the thick dictionary, which was turned to the 'G' section. Somehow, Keigo didn't think godly was quite the word Yumi was looking for. Or at least not quite the same definition.

"Heh, the only religion ya follow is to yerself." Ikkaku pointed out, tucking his sword behind him and taking a swig of alcohol. "Yumi tha God."

Keigo shivered at that one, ominous sentence and asked himself for the millionth time since that night, why, oh why, did I ever bring them home?

A/N: Title was inspired by my sociology class, idea was inspired by… I don't know but the transvestite comedian on the BBC didn't hurt with his comment about narcissism, motivation was provided by my playlist playing Nelly songs over and over on random.

Beta's note:  you didn't write the cheap banter (that stuff was gold!) and you know, I killed it with the 'on top' bit : you should have at least written that much…oh well, I can never win with you.

AN's reply: Not everything is yaoi you know . ;;


	4. A World of Ink and Ideology

Title: A World of Ink and Ideology

Author: Eeevee

Genre/Rating: general/romance (sort of?)/PG—unless you find book abuse detestable and check the spines of every single copy of manga before you buy one O.o

Disclaimer: It's still not mine.

Challenge: Pairing challenge from Fyyrrose

Warnings: Shoujo-ai

Pairings: hinted Na-nao-chaaan/Nemu and just a dash of Yourichi/Soi Fong

* * *

Soi Fong was grateful for the frayed, thick carpet beneath her feet. It made it that much easier to stalk around in proper silence. That was the only thing she was grateful for, however.

Her lip curled as she stalked around another towering, majestic, outdated bookcase. Dusty tome spines were faded and tattered. They were useless relics of wisdom from the past centuries. She reviled them. What was the point in saving such worthless information?

Angrily, she tossed her head making the braids click softly. The ching was muted as it met resistance of moldy paper and dust-choked air.

All she needed to do was find the book, and then she could escape the bowels of this cursed library. She wasn't a captain who sat at a desk and did paperwork all day. The enclosed space was making her skin crawl and frayed her notoriously short nerves. It was the perfect place for an ambush, her instincts informed her. There was no room to maneuver or avoid offensive attacks from close range and there was no way to hold out with long-range attacks, not that she relied on those. In addition to that, she didn't trust the wooden bones around her; they were so old and flawed. Several tons of books could kill even the most resilient fighter beneath their falling weight.

Why did they have to pack them so close together? It was ridiculous to squeeze to get past an abandoned, empty cart or edge around a rickety ladder for reaching the precarious top shelf.

She assumed that the only mice she would find down here were four legged, whiskered ones. Not like the ones that squeaked and fled with black robes trailing above. In her opinion, the librarians were far weaker than any Fourth Division member and the only reason they weren't harassed was because they never left their papery sanctuary, and the Eleventh Division, likewise, would never come into such an institution on their own initiative.

The last one she saw was some time back, and the young woman had bravely warned her not to break anything with a shaking finger.

That deserved an icy stare of contempt and reproach.

Now she wished she had pretended to be civil because she had no idea where the object of her search was exactly. It wasn't something she wanted to share, which is why she didn't send her vice-captain. He would have messed it up somehow anyway. While the librarians wouldn't dare throw her out, she could easily see them flocking around and ganging up on the big idiot.

After another five minutes of fruitless searching, she was seriously considering using some kidou to simply blow a person-sized hole through all the shelves so she wouldn't have to walk around each and everyone. No one would even notice; these books had been long abandoned by even the Twelve Division.

Turning another corner, her sharp ears heard a low humming noise. The voices were low and even and Soi Fong was disgusted with the fact that no public place was off limits for lecherous behavior. Certain things should be practiced in privacy, so as not to upset the rest of the populace with stomach-curdling displays of affection.

Although she was sure the other captains considered her opinions too harsh, and some would even accuse her of being jaded and bitter, she was in utter agreement with Captain Kuchiki that some things were simply not done.

Fully intending to give the couple an earful, she glided out, intending to startle them first. People who were originally surprised were much easier to panic and intimidate.

Whatever she was expecting, it wasn't the two seating before her. They were seated at a table in the middle of the cramped study hall. Dark heads pressed together gently and breath mingled as they bent over some obscure copy of ancient writing. The two were lost in a world of ornate ink and primitive ideology.

A gentle melody of half sentences lead questions and short, crisp answers were returned. The low voices flowed together in a dance of tones that swirled lazily with familiarity.

She didn't have to see their long, slender fingers twined together loosely or the way their dark hair shared static, their heads were so close.

She was certainly surprised, although a grudging smirk fought with her usual frown. Wouldn't that just throw everyone into an unjustified frenzy? Certainly no one would expect it, not even the people close to them. Yet it made so much sense.

Like magnets, they attracted, not conflicted.

It only took seconds for the two to detect her, as one would expect from vice-captains. While Soi Fong disagreed with the methodology of how Captain Kyouraku and Captain Kurotsuchi controlled their vice captains, she could not disagree with the results. Both were extremely capable and collected.

"Captain," Captain Kyouraku's vice greeted her coolly, moving away from the other woman and hitching up the end of her glasses. It was obvious she was annoyed at the intrusion, although she didn't seem particularly fearful of what Soi Fong saw. "It is a rare pleasure to see you in the library."

Soi Fong nodded curtly, "I require a book that is no where else."

"If you tell me, I will fetch it for you." The pale vice-captain added in a hushed whisper with her head bowed and her hands folded in her lap. A blush of plum made a finger shaped necklace against chalky skin and Soi Fong glared, reminded why she dealt with the Twelfth Division as little as was necessary.

As the little cracked china doll slid off into the maze of books, Soi Fong ignored the pointed glare of the other woman. She even wondered briefly if the strict vice-captain wore glasses simply for the effect of glaring over them. It certainly added an air of non-nonsense to her anal appearance and attitude.

"We wish that our…" The bold little vice-captain paused, trying to get the right, inoffensive phrase.

"Your relationship." Soi Fong supplemented in a casual, cold tone, "It is none of my business. I just came down here for a simple book, not more fodder for the rumor mills."

"Ah, your discretion in this matter is very much appreciated."

Soi Fong distinctly heard a teasing, bell-like voice in her memory, 'and just what kind of ninja blabs their mouth all over the place, Soi Fong?' That had been a long time ago where she was young, inexperienced, and just stupid enough to fall in love.

Moodily, she snatched the book and turned on her heel with a frown and furrowed brows. She would never catch up on her paper work after wasting half a day lost in this dusty, rotting hall.

* * *

Beta (fyyrrose): sigh cheated again. It was cute, yes I'll be the first to admit it was c.u.t.e.

A/N: haha, yes, I'm such a cheater! And it was cute… disturbingly so. I'm going to the dark side! And it only took one psychology class… my blah filter was running hot! Blah blah blah Freud blah blah Anna O. blah blah Penis envy blah blah repression blah… it was actually kind of soothing.


	5. Brownies

Title: Brownies Author: Eeevee Genre/Rating: general (aka crack fic)/PG-13 for drug references and mild swearing Disclaimer: It's still not mine. Challenge: None, wrote it for myself to celebrate my b-day (4/20!) Warnings: Post SS arc Pairings: Nope, not this time

Renji glared at the offending note taped to the door. He ripped it down, squinted, and flipped it over. The scribbling was still terrible, but at least he wasn't reading it upside down anymore.

"What the hell?" Renji growled, making random lackeys jump and skitter out of his way.

He stalked right up to the Fourth division grounds and marched right up… until he got to the door. As much fun as it would be to storm in there and scare all the little pansys shitless, Renji really didn't want to draw Unohana-taicho's wrath down on his head. His captain was a cold-blooded bastard, yet the demure woman was the one everyone tiptoed around.

She was a scary broad.

It took a whole ten minutes to realize he had not a fucking clue where the kitchens were. He didn't care where the food actually came from or who cooked it, as long as it was edible and in front of his face.

Why Kira would be here of all places…

"Hey, you!" He bellowed in his I'm-a-vice-captain, piss-your-pants-and-obey-me-before-I-eat-you voice, "Where the fuck are the kitchens in this place? I've been wanderin' 'round forever!"

The fourth division member fainted.

"Well, shit."

He repeated the process a couple of times before he actually ran into one that didn't faint, run away, or beg not to be raped.

"Um, er, they… t-they're that way."

Renji grabbed the back of his robes and took off with the little runt in tow. He could prove useful later.

"Oi! What're you doin'?" Renji bellowed, his face turning a shade dangerously close to the color of his hair.

Kira paused, looking like a trapped bunny or something, and said meekly, "I'm finding a positive outlet for my negative emotions."

Renji's mouth dropped open a little as he mulled that fancyass sentence over. "Ya were supposed ta go boozin' with us tonight!"

Kira looked at his hands and mumbled, "My therapist doesn't think drinking is an appropriate outlet."

"The hell it isn't!" Maybe he should have a word with this 'therapist' guy. It was obviously he was poisoning poor Kira's already warped mind, "What's wrong with ya?"

"My therapist says that I am a neurotic paranoid, and that I need to work to improve myself. Just because I had a trouble childhood doesn't mean it has to ruin my life." Kira continued, gaining momentum.

"Um, yer life is pretty damn ruined. Yer lucky ta be alive."

"It's obvious that my attachment to Gin was due to a lack of a father figure in my childhood. I simply need to continue a positive transference and…" Kira blinked and Renji wanted to say it served him right if his brain blew up from using all those idiotic, doctor-ly words. "And… my cookies are burning!"

Renji watched in disbelief and revolton as Kira donned pink Chappie mitts and pulled out a sheet of cookies. Besides the fact that they actually smelled edible, there were some bigass smiley faces grinning at him. Those chocolate smirks dared him to eat them and their happy, positive energy shit and what not.

He hadn't said a damn word about the lace or the fact that he looked like a bloody housewife, but bunny mitts? To pull cookies out of the oven. Maybe he was the one who needed to see the fucking shrink! And he would make Kira pay for it, since he was the source of all the mental images. Renji was sure he was going to have nightmares about this for decades to come.

"Would you like to try one?" Kira offered with a sappy smile, peering out from under his blond bangs. He shoved the tray under Renji's nose, causing the vice-captain to jump back like he was burned. And he damn near was. "They're a special recipe that gives the cookies an extra special kick. It's delicious, I promise."

"Fuck, I ain't eatin' anything ya cooked."

"Baked." Kira corrected mildly, scooping the cookies onto a metal rack. He lined them up neatly. "You bake cookies."

"Whatever." Renji snorted in disgust. He wouldn't be caught dead in such a horrible outfit or baking cookies. Kira was really cracked. "Can't ya just take some meds ta fix ya?"

"My therapist says that medication just masks the problem, it doesn't solve it. He says that's why all the drinking in the world won't make me forget because all my problems are lurking in my unconscious, waiting to pop up and terrorize me. I need to have some confidence in myself and find out how to solve the problem."

"So yer bakin' cookies?"

"And brownies. You want one?"

Renji's big hand shot out and grabbed the poor Fourth division member and shoved the little punk forward. The little runt started blubbering and made a run for the door. Renji just scruffed him and shoved a brownie down his throat. The little guy choked and sputtered then chewed thoughtfully.

"So?"

"I-it's g-good. Can I h-have a-another one, p-please?"

"Sure!" Kira agreed, shoving the plate of chocolate in their general direction. Renji dropped the kid and reached for one, feeling deep in his stomach he would regret this. It would be real funny to explain to his jerk captain why he couldn't show up for work because of food poisoning. "Go ahead. Try one. Just one and then I'll go out with you guys."

Renji glared at the desserts balefully, wondering if alcohol would burn away things that were stuck to the wall of his stomach. Assuming it didn't choke him first.

Suddenly, he got this gut feeling that made him change his mind.

He was too young to die! He hadn't beaten his captain and still was waiting to get laid by a certain someone. He loved Kira like… well, okay, the guy was a drinking buddy… and this was going too far.

Of course, by the time he thought all this through and opened his mouth, Kira and the kid were laughing. They better not be laughing at him! Just because they thought sounding like a couple of hyenas was cool…

"Teehee."

Okay, that was just weird.

Renji decided that as terrified of the Fourth Division he was before, he was really scared now. What sorts of stress management, I-will-make-myself-a-better-and-more-whiny- person shit were they teaching people?

He was going back to the bar where things made sense and the drunks only giggled until they passed out in a puddle of vomit.

A/N: I have no excuse for this one except that it's really fun to torment Kira and make fun of psychoanalysis at the same time.


	6. Kitten Drabbles

Author: eeevee

Genre/Rating: G

Disclaimer: It's still not mine.

Challenge: Fyyrrose wanted to torment a kitten... and Kira.

Warnings: Gin.

Word Count: 100 & 100

New Toy

"Aw, ain't it purdy?" Gin chucked the ball of fluff under the chin. It spat and squirmed, coated in the squalor of its birthplace. "Cute kitty."

Whimsically, he tucked the tiny burden in his coat sleeve and sauntered down the street. He didn't remember his new toy until the captain's meeting when it loudly interrupted (and infuriated) Mayuri.

"Ah, 'scuse me. Got some business ta take care of." Secretly, he applauded the kitten's timing.

He gave Kira a lackadaisical wave, careful not to move the kitten purring on his chest. He thought the blond might just have a panic attack.

Green-eyed Monster

Kira wasn't jealous, oh no. That would be… petty. And he wasn't petty. He wasn't going to let this get to him. He would suck it up and do his best.

Weeping inside, he stared at the scooper in his hand.

Since when was he demoted to litter box duty?

It had been a shock to see his captain playing with some furry rodent, but when Kira found it in the bed, the bath, and Gin's cloak (on or off his body), he couldn't help but be disturbed.

He was sure if it could do paperwork, he would be replaced.


	7. Snarls

Title: Snarls

Author: Eeevee

Genre/Rating: general/PG

Disclaimer: I've got pretty pictures in a bound paperback distributed by Viz… but I don't own Bleach.

Challenge: None

Warnings: Irritation and possible OOC Pairings: Shunsui/Ukitake if you squint a bit

Word Count: 500 - on complete accident

* * *

"We're going to be late!"

"You worry too much Jyuu-chan. Obviously, you can't go to the meeting in such a state of undress. I might get jealous after all."

"I know that! Don't you ever have this problem?" Ukitake growled, irritated that they were going to be late for the captain's meeting.

"Nope, can't say I ever had." Shunsui sipped his sake and tipped his hat to get a better look. He was sprawled out, clearly not at all disturbed about being late for, or even missing, the meeting.

"Even with that ridiculous hat?"

"Now that's harsh, Jyuu-chan; calling my lovely hat ridiculous."

Ukitake ignored the tone, "Would you help me?"

"I don't know. I kind of like you like this… all tied up…"

"Aggh!" Ukitake snarled.

"Where are you going?" Shunsui looked up in amusement.

"To get someone useful to help me."

He smiled in amusement, "Your two little guard dogs might be a tad overzealous. Good thing Unohana-taicho will be at the meeting, hmm?"

Ukitake gave a sickly-sweet smile, "I'm sure Ise-fukutaicho is lurking in the hallway, waiting to pound you. After a few centuries, I'm sure she has caught on to her irresponsible captain's tricks."

"Don't go Jyuu-chan; I'm really sorry for laughing! You just look so funny like that." Shunsui pleaded, the amusement instantly wiped from his face and replaced with a pleading look. Ukitake just sighed, not buying it for an instant but too good-natured to shove the other man away.

He shuffled slightly and gave up. Leaning against the wall with his head tucked against his left shoulder snuggly, he tugged gently at his sash. Long strands of silver-white hair curled possessively around the soft, white fabric, daring anyone to make them let go. When Ukitake's long, slender finger tried to unwind the hair it clung to him like wispy spider webs and tucked around the sash tighter.

Shunsui pushed himself up with self-assured, lazy grace and padded over, his bare feet whispering against the wood floors. His callous fingers experimentally poked at the hair and it stubbornly resisted him.

He clicked his tongue, "Every part of you is so clingy!"

Ukitake glared half-heartedly.

"Jyuu-chan, your hair is telling you to play hooky!"

"No, hair does not have a personality. It is just caught, and we're still going to attend that meeting—ouch."

"Mmm, sorry. This is a touch tricky. Over, under, there we go." Shunsui's breath fluttered the silvery strands, pushing the freed ones away from the knot, and his darker hair tickled against Ukitake's nose. "Almost… there." Defeated, a handful of hair drifted down to the floor.

Ukitake stretched his neck back and forth with blissful pleasure.

"So how about we…"

"Go to the captain's meeting? Grand idea." Ukitake smiled, "But I'm sure afterwards there might be some time to do other, more pleasant things."

A/N: Dedicated to the least and most favorite parts of my Ukitake cosplay. Why people keep their hair long is far beyond my comprehension. Bangs are also annoying. Hopefully I can keep the wig from attacking my friend this time X.X

Beta's comment: but it's so silky and dreamy, and come on, it's fun to draw. Besides, bangs cover up facial flaws like pimples and scars, and long hair covers the "no ass" in most characters.


	8. Only Losers Cry Deal

Title: Only Losers Cry Deal  
Author: Eeevee  
Genre/Rating: General/PG-13 for language  
Disclaimer: Bleach still isn't mine  
Challenge: None  
Warnings: set in Academy Days; there shouldn't be any spoilers  
Notes: This is a pick-me up for my beta, a surprise, so it's not beta-ed. J, go get 'em, you'll do fine! 

"Get your shoulders back."

Renji violently shrugged off the teacher's hand that was pressed between his shoulder blades.

"Stop slumping like you're still in the slums." The teacher barked, giving another, not-so-gentle smack to his back. "It is natural to keep your shoulders back, not rounded. Your backbone should be straight."

Out of the corner of his eye, Renji could see Kira and Momo sniggering and flicking amused glances at him. Oh how fucking wonderful for them that they could tie themselves into fucking pretzels.

"Now, let's begin the Sun Salutation. Begin with the Mountain and remember your breathing!"

Obediently, Renji centered his feet, remembering to spread his stupid toes and press his heels down. Dragging the air into his abdomen, he raised his arms and started the sequence.

Whatever had possessed him to take this torture session?

Oh yeah, he was a moron. Only suckers and fools took dares this ridiculously.

Just because Rukia had said he was less of a man for denouncing this dumb, over-exaggerated stretching exercise… he was an idiot. And now he was stuck with this stupid class as his last PE credit to graduate. And he had to pass. Had to.

"Get your shoulders back! Your hands should be based under your shoulders, not your ugly face." Oh yeah, and the teacher was a total asshole. That certainly didn't give Renji hope for the exam. There'd be no wheedling some slack from that strict old man. The yoga had turned him into a sour pickle.

Renji's stomach gurgled pitifully, and he glanced longingly toward the cafeteria.

"Are you a girl?" The ugly face was shoved up in Renji's and it was all the young man could do not to spit. "Where's your upper body strength? You're shaky as a newborn lamb and twice as useless. Don't let your elbows bow out! That is completely unacceptable."

"Yes, sir." Renji ground out, his eyes narrowed and his lips twisted into a frustrated snarl. He dutifully tucked his elbows in so that they touched his ribcage and adjusted his heels so that they stretched down further. It hurt like hell.

"Psst, Renji."

The red head spared a baleful glare for his blond friend and grunted as he shifted on the mat impatiently.

"You're doing it wrong."

"The fuck if I care."

Kira paused, looking positively gleeful at his ineptness, "You don't look like a downward dog; you look like a downed dog. Get your butt up in the air."

Momo snickers turned into choking and both boys looked at her as she sputtered and turned red, "…S-sorry, that was fun-funny." And then she wouldn't explain it, trying to regain her breathing.

"You two," The teacher's gnarled finger pointed at Renji and Kira. The blond gulped and instantly tried to say it wasn't his fault, "Get up to the front. You will give the class an example on the proper way to complete the Sun Salutation."

Reluctantly, the two shambled up to the front and glanced around nervously.

"The Mountain."

Kira easily completed the pose, looking completely relaxed and confident about it. Renji awkwardly imitated him, shuffling his big feet for a few seconds before settling.

"Go on."

Slowly, Renji raised his hands up and accidentally smacked Kira in the face. The blond kept his balance but only after flailing madly. In turn, he managed to whack Renji back, who apparently wasn't nearly so grounded. He landed on his ass and managed to hook his foot across Kira's left shin. One tug was all it took.

"Oww, Renji!"

"Get out of my class." The teacher said quietly with a blank look leveled solely on Renji, "Obviously, hooligans like you can't begin to have the discipline or gumption to complete this course. I suggest you go take something… simpler. I will grant you a 'W' without penalty."

Sure, how fucking generous, and damn it all if he didn't just lose the bet.

----

_Of course, Rukia teased him mercilessly for his failure. Kira was overly apologetic, saying it was his fault that Renji got kicked out; Momo insisted on making a woof sound and giggling, no doubting thinking downed dog in her mind._

_And Renji himself… he was pissed._

_---- _

This was the third and final try to pass the examination and everyone felt the pressure. So far there had been some students who were close, but no one had actually passed.

Kira blinked and turned his head to get a better view. Momo stopped in mid-sentence and joined him in staring. Slowly, a hush fell over the class as they all turned to look.

The teacher was looking down into his notes, no doubt considering who he thought might fail, so he didn't notice the arrival of Renji.

"Who would like to begin the examination?"

"I will, teach." Renji smirked, a sure sign that he was cocksure and up to no good at all. He sauntered up front and stood balanced on the mat, eyeing the teacher with a broad smirk. "Ready when you are."

The teacher glanced up coolly, "Young man, I believe you have wandered into the wrong place. Lunch is being served in that building over there."

"Yes, sir, I do plan to eat lunch. As soon as we are done here." Renji countered, his smirk turning into a somewhat maniacal grin he sported when he was enjoying himself too much. "Are you ready?"

The old man sighed, "Fools are so tiresome. Go ahead, look like the idiot you are."

Renji slid fluidly into the motions. Each one was synchronized with his breaths and angled perfectly. It was awe-inspiring to see the klutz do something so beautifully, and Kira was actually kind of jealous. He was nowhere near that level and he'd been attending class religiously the whole time. It almost wasn't fair.

The teacher watched the young man without expression, his pen held still over the grade sheet.

Renji finished the Sun Salutation and ended without twitching so much as a muscle.

The girls were speechless and drooling at the bare top and the thin sheen of sweat from the morning sun gathering on his tattooed chest. The guys were stunned at the display, although mostly because they couldn't get their minds around how he got so good.

"Heh, how was that?"

The teacher nodded in acceptance, "Practically flawless."

"Practically? It was perfect!" Renji yelled, losing his composure and breaking the spell on his classmates. "It was genius! I busted my ass to get that right."

"As I said, it was practically flawless." The old man held up his hand, "However, you are not part of this class any longer. Also, your shoulders were slightly rounded."

Renji turned bright red with fury until his face matched his hair and whirled.

"Next."

Everyone sat mortified at having to follow up Renji's display.

And only Kira saw Renji's self-satisfied smirk as he strolled off towards the cafeteria for his promised lunch. Oh boy, Rukia was going to be furious at losing the bet, because technically, Renji had learned yoga and passed the exam.

A/N: I am, but no means, an expert in yoga. I've had a whole 4 class periods so far this semester, so all we've learned is the Sun Salutation and a few other basic asanas. Aside from the yoga part, there's a million glaring tiny errors that I'm not going to fix, so nyah.

Apologies for the formatting; I know it sucks. FF wouldn't allow dividers or line breaks


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